This blog is repeatedly being searched for what psychiatric
drugs will erase painful memories.
There are none.
What has happened to you has made you the person you
are. Painful memories cannot be excised from
your mind like a tumor can be removed from your body, nor should you try.
I am sixty-four years old and today I am sobbing
uncontrollably because my parents kicked me out of the house when I was sixteen. I am crying about it now because I never cried about it then.
Here’s the short version: I took antidepressants every day for twenty-six years. You might say that what those drugs did was “erase” my painful memories but, in fact, all they did was bury them deeper.
Antidepressants are happy pills. They are supposed to make you happy regardless of your circumstances. That is absolutely crazy thinking. The only way you can be happy is by actually fixing your fucked-up life. You’ve got to fight back. Why is everybody so afraid of the fight?
As a child, Judy was repeatedly raped by her step-father and
older brothers. For decades, she was chronically depressed and then, through the auspices of a wise therapist, she got the chance to bring criminal charges against her rapists. Instead of stepping up to the plate and
dealing with it, she made excuses. Her stepfather was sick; her brothers had families; it was over; it was history. And to this day Judy continues to be chronically depressed. Those memories do not ever go away until you stand up and fight what was done to you. The good news is that it is never too late to
fight the people who hurt you.
All that drugs do is bury your pain so deeply that you can’t
deal with it; you can’t access the memories of the things that hurt you. After I stopped taking antidepressants ten years, I also stopped sleeping because of a rare kidney disease. I had to wake up every two hours every night
to go to the bathroom. Then I often did not go back to sleep. Monsters lived in the darkness. I got by; I managed; I dealt with the current crap. But I never
went back and dealt with the old crap.
Two and a half months ago, dying from lack of sleep, I
finally got a doctor to order an indwelling catheter. (Half the doctors said it wasn’t “medically necessary” to get a full night’s sleep.) After ten years of wakefulness, it took two months for my sleep cycle to settle down and get used to the idea that I no longer need to get up to go to the bathroom.
Two weeks ago, I started sleeping eight or nine hours every
single night without waking once. And I became deeply depressed. I am finally undrugged and sleeping, and the monsters of my childhood are rampaging in my sleep. I wake up in the morning and before my eyes
open I am remembering some cruel part of my childhood. Decades of drugs didn’t erase my painful memories and they will not erase yours.
Find somebody strong and compassionate to whom you can tell
your stories. You can take pills or alcohol or bury yourself in work or yell at the kids, but the hurt will still be there inside you until you decide to turn into it, face it, and talk about it. You have to. There is no other way.